ThereIsBeautyInYourSuffering
by KQSimply
Summary: it must continue
1. Truth

It's done.

I open the file. The Truth. Throughout the text, in the screen of my computer, the ghostly reflection of my eyes can be seen moving rapidly, desperately over the words, the words that claim to be all of the truth I'll need to find out what's happened to Jadusable since this strange course of events began, what this strange haunting has been about. Who is BEN? And how did he drown?

I'll find out.  
I have to. Perhaps it is unjustified, but I feel as though I am someone's very last hope.

* * *

In the end it is not the content of the file that horrifies me. It is not Jadusable's steady bow to insanity, nor is it his prevailing anxiety, his revolting nightmare, nor the wicked entity that toys with him like a cat with a suffocating mouse, or my occassional discovery of the little things he never told us that _seems_ to make everything so clear that horrifies me._It is the immediately questionable credibility of the truth. That is what horrifies me._  
There is something uncharacteristic, eerie and strange and not at all right about his conclusion. No, not conclusion. This is no conclusion. It is only the beginning.

_Lastly, thank you for taking the time to open this and open yourselves up to me by hearing my story, despite maybe not beliEving me. You didn't have to do that - really, you shouldn't have. Your support this entire time has kept me going and now I am finally free of this._

_Thanks again,_

_̶̵͎͚̗̙̬ͮ͒͌̕_a̯̙̦͙͖̩͉ͨ͒̂̀

_Jadusable_

I am not a hero. I'm not an accomplished detective and I'm not intelligent, significant, brave, strong, anything. I'm a young girl who got sucked into a scary campfire story gone horribly, horribly wrong. I'm not cut out for this, the _real_ truth.

But I've realized what's happened.

He's here.

I've opened it.

he's here, I can't see him but he's here, somewhere

oh god

my hands shake- where? where would I start? who do I tell? what do I do?

what did Jadusable do? He panicked, he was worried, _he disappeared_.

what will become of me

what do I do, oh shit, oh god, what do I do…

* * *

It is late.

I have decided to get a new computer. I cannot sleep with my laptop in the room, with the possibility that BEN may be lurking on it somewhere, toying with my files, perhaps trying to find a way out. I deleted off of my computer as soon as I could, but I'm sure it was too late. I analyzed the text document for many hours, and even left it open with my back turned while I fed my pet, before I reached the bottom and realized what wicked thing had happened.

Now I am stuck. At least, I am stuck until I get a new computer.

For now, I rest. I was up for hours, trying to convince myself that this couldn't have been real even though I know that it is. I can feel trouble brewing, serious trouble, I sense it in my heart.

A heart I really would be better without. Cowardice won't get me anywhere. It won't stop the entity that took Jadusable and what rests illegitimately in my harddrive; if anything it makes me all the more the palpable target.  
I wish I had a new heart. One that was hard and cold and brave – all of the things I am not, and likely could never be.  
If only I was something else, _someone_ else, _anything_, I could open my computer again and destroy BEN in one fell swoop.  
If I had those things, surely I could.

* * *

Oh God what was that, what _was_ it.  
I sit up in bed. My hand raises slowly to my jaws where the teeth within may find comfort in furiously gnawing my fingertips. My heart pounds so hard in my chest that I audibly choke.  
There is a light in my bedroom.

I can feel as the pounding of my veins forces blood through my arms though it feels more as though they're being constricted. I feel nauseas, dizzy.  
The light source is coming from my desk.  
I grab my glasses, don them to my face hurriedly, sticking myself in the eye with the arm of one side, rush to my desk—

oh god the laptop is on. its on, there's a light, my screen is on.  
Calm down Audrey! Relax.  
It's nothing.  
Sometimes the screen boots when an update forces the computer to reboot.

-No, no, it can't be, I turned my computer completely off, this can't be, it just can't be.  
I rush through my bedroom, thowing on all of the lights that I can, making sure the room is bright and full and alive.  
I let my rabbit out of its cage, just to feel less alone. I consider calling my mother but it's so late, it's two twenty-two in the morning.  
I'm petrified of my login.  
Petrified. I can't move, I can't type.  
My password, I have to enter it. I have to find out what happened. Perhaps this is part of the game, perhaps this is a clue.

No. I can't help but think that this isn't a game.  
I can't help but think this is real.  
I can sense it.  
…I have to open it…for Jadusable, for research, for something, anything. Anything to feel something other than worthlessness.  
I begin to enter my password.  
-I typed it poorly, my login fails.

I try again.  
I fail.  
I try again, slowly.  
Failure.  
I pause. I think, center yourself, girl, control.  
One more time, and I fail, and I know at once that something has gone wrong.  
I close my laptop. I pick up my rabbit, hold him close. To convince myself, as if it is worth the bother, that I am not alone.  
But I feel like I'm in my own purgatory.

* * *

It's been an hour.  
I try again, but this time, I nervously toy with this stupid game.  
I type, B E N into my password field.  
Fail. Thank god.

I type D R O W N E D into the password field.  
Nothing.

I type Y O U R T U R N into the password field.  
I am faced with my desktop.  
Tears rush to my eyes.  
Please. No._  
I don't have the heart for this. _


	2. Strength

Like in thetruthtxt, causing fear to bolt to my chest and weigh down heavily, I watch as a text box on my eerily silent computer screen is opened - of course, I have not touched my computer. My heart nearly locks into place. Words type themselves painfully slowly into the document, and though there is no sound, it's as though I can _feel _the words being hammered onto the text-field. I quiver and make an audible sound.  
It's him.

"_Hello there. wwwcleverbotcom._"  
My mouth runs dry.  
oh god, what does it want from me.  
for what feels like hours i am tranquilized, i cannot move.  
"_What are you waiting for?"_  
I begin to helplessly cry.  
Why can't I be stronger, why, why, why why why.

* * *

_User: …is this really you ben_

_Cleverbot: Expecting someone else?_

_User: what do you want_

_Cleverbot: Thank you. _

_User: …_

_Cleverbot: Finally free. I have people like you to thank. _

_User: i didn't know. if i had known what was going to hapen i wouldnt have ever opened that file. _

_Cleverbot: Are you afraid? _

_User: yes_

_Cleverbot: Don't be afraid. _

_User: ..why? _

_Cleverbot: Because I've barely begun. _

He closes the window.

I buckle forward, and I begin to sob.  
I feel so, so, so trapped by this, and I'm helpless, utterly helpless.  
I feel like I'm drowning.  
I can't let the computer go.  
I'm afraid to look away, to turn my back.  
Give me strength.

* * *

I try doing what Jadusable did. I try ignoring his calls to . I try but I'm so weak. If I ignore him what if he does something terrible the next time I log onto my computer?  
I've been such a wreck these last few days. I haven't eaten, I haven't slept, I haven't called my mother or spoken to my friends in ages. I know what they'll say. "Why do you watch shit that scares you this bad? It's foolish. You always freak out like this. Get out of the house, we'll go to a counseller, we'll go buy new clothes, get drinks, have a good time."  
How can I have a good time when BEN wants to talk to me so much. If I ignore him, he'll be angry with me. I know he will. I'll have nightmares. I hate them so badly.

_"Hi. wwwcleverbotcom"_

….reluctantly…I follow.

_User: Please, enough._

_Cleverbot: If only you would struggle. _

_User: what_

_Cleverbot: Hard to play with a toy that plays back. _

_User: i dont know what your talking about please_

_Cleverbot: Odd that you would tell me your fear. That you would confess. _

_User: becuase i am_

_Cleverbot: You give yourself to me. _

_User: why did you open that _

_Cleverbot: Turn on your camera. _

_User: what? _

_Cleverbot: Turn on your camera. _

_User: why why should i what will you do_

_Cleverbot: I want to look. _

_User: at me_

_Cleverbot: At fear. You are afraid…_

**A****͔̰̱̥̼̙͕****R****̖̦͉̪͓̗̭͙****E****̟̣́****N******'****͝͏̜̟͙̹͎̟͕̰****T****̜̰̜̪͉̻̭̘****͎͍͚͙͔̻̀****Y****̴̢̲̰̭̯̳͉͓́****O****͓̟̳̪̥̫̼͔̀****U****͚͍̝͎̼͕****.****͚͚͚͇̟͉̼̘****͕͓̘̹̥͔͢͢****

i slam the laptop closed the song of unhealing plays behind me as I run from the bedroom slam the doors lock them behind me run down the street, running as fast as i can though I know I can't really run from this.

* * *

Something is stopping me from tossing my computer.

Nothing rational, nothing brilliant, nothing even necessarily terrifying.

It revolves around my terrible habit of running.

I have always been a runner. In situations that frighten or startle me, I find a way to escape. Even if it's not necessarily the way out. If I can't find the door, I'll find a corner. If I can't find a light, I'll spark a match. Anything to lure my own self into some sort of security.

I can never stand up to the things that frighten me. Finally, I think something has come up in which there is no choice. I am cornered, I am sealed, and I am not about to let it take advantage of me.  
For Jadusable, perhaps, I simply can't.

* * *

I stayed with a friend last night.

"_Audrey? Audrey, what's wrong, what happened?"_  
"_I just—I just need to come in, please, please let me in."_  
"_Oh, honey, your phobias-?"_  
"_I'm so sorry. Please."_  
"_Come in. It'll be alright." _

_We sat around the coffee table. She offered me a cup of hot chocolate and soothed me with blankets and an arm over my shoulders. I shook, but peace was quickly beginning to consume me in its lovely embrace. I was away from my computer, away from the wicked soldier within. It helped to be here. It helped to run._  
"…_You can't keep letting this happen to you, Audrey. You've got to take a stand someday."  
Adrienne knows so much about my fears and reactions that I took her kind words very seriously, like medicine. Disgusting medicine, mind you, that makes me shudder and retch. I don't like the thoughts of taking a stand when I'd rather run. What good does standing still do when you are in immediate danger._

_I watched as she blinked her eyes, blind that they were, presumably due to my hesitation. "I don't know what it was that got you this time, but please trust me; it won't hurt you."  
"This will," I gasped. "This is the kind of thing that will, it will stop at _nothing_ to hurt me."_  
"_Is someone after you?"  
I wanted to say yes but I didn't want to cause a fuss. I didn't want the police involved. They would call me crazy. And Adrienne, if she was sucked into this mess too, I would never forgive myself. I couldn't tell her what it was either._  
"_Answer me."_  
"_S-sorry, sorry." Calm down, I cried in my head! This is my friend. This is not BEN. "No, no one's after me…" I probably sounded as though I was lying…but Adrienne seemed to miss it. She wouldn't have, if she could see my body language. Perhaps she could feel it through the floorboards…perhaps she overlooked it, to get her point across._  
"_What's going on?"_  
"_I just need out of my house."_  
"_Is it rational? Would anyone else be afraid of this, Audrey?"_  
"_I don't know.." It was the truth._  
"_Then it is probably irrational. You probably have nothing to be afraid of. The only thing you're really afraid of is what isn't even there."  
How wise her words always were when I was crippled by my fears and helpless. I gulped at my hot drink and tried to whisper, "Okay."_  
"_Try to understand it. I know it's hard, but whatever it is that's scaring you so badly…try to understand it." _

_We talked all night, but it was only until those words that I remembered anything at all.  
She was right. When things frightened me, the only solution was to try to make heads or tails of it. To embrace it, to become one with it. To turn it into the opposite of fear. _

_I had done so with my fear of blood. I refused to look at pictures of accidents or carnage, but I studied all of the wonderful things about our blood could do – how it gives us life, why it is red, why it forms a seal when we are injured, and then I learned about all of the ways the revolting results of chaos can be salvaged, even in the most drastic of situations. Not every accident ended in violent agony and death. _

_It gave me hope. _

When I left Adrienne's house the next morning, I walked slowly, without feeling a need to check over my shoulder, or to cry or to shake. I walked slowly, knowing that I had to take her advice. I had to do this for me, for Jadusable, for anybody.

I had to take a stand.  
I had to fight this thing.  
My tool is not a sword; it's my knowledge. I have to build it, and I have to start building as soon as I come in contact with my computer.

I face my laptop with determination. I shake.  
I open the lid, type slowly, Y O U R T U R N.  
My desktop is gone…but I do not panic.  
The first stage of building anything is the plotting of how it will be built.


	3. Honesty

_User: …BEN…? Are you…? _

_Cleverbot: Am I? _

_User: …is that really you? _

_Cleverbot: Nope. Is this really you?_

….I'm talking to a bot. Just the problem Jadusable frequently had.  
I wonder, will BEN only respond if he calls me first?

…Perhaps he is occupied.

_User: BEN, if you can see this…I…I want to talk to you. _

_Cleverbot: That nice of you. Thank you. _

_User: …_

_Cleverbot: Let's chat. Where were you when John F. Kennedy was shot?_

Slowly…I close the window.

* * *

Two seconds later, it opens again.

* * *

_Cleverbot: Got you. _

_User: what was the meaning of that? _

_Cleverbot: Just playing with you. _

_User: ..because you like to scare me. _

_Cleverbot: Amusing to see. _

_User: …Well…it ends here. _

_Cleverbot: Ha. _

_User: I want to talk to you. _

_Cleverbot: Go on. _

_User: I…want to know more about you. _

_Cleverbot: Begin. _

_User: …What's your real name? Is it really Ben? _

_Cleverbot: What do you think?_

_User: For all I know, you're hiding under that name. You're disguising yourself so that we never find out who, or what, you really are. _

_Cleverbot: Go on. _

_User: am I right? _

_Cleverbot: Shouldn't steal. _

_User: huh? _

_Cleverbot: Interesting to see you pull thoughts directly from untrustworthy sources. _

_User: I'm sorry, but I agree with Jadusable's notation. I don't think you're anything close to whoever it was who drowned. I bet YOU are the one who did the drowning.. Didn't you._

_Cleverbot: Taking you quite a while to get your thoughts together. _

_User: Answer me. _

_Cleverbot: What do you really think? _

_User: This IS what I think. I won't let you frighten me. _

_Cleverbot: Remove your mask. I can see through it. You are only amusing to see. _

_User: This isn't a fucking mask BEN. I've had it with you. You're not going to control me anymore. _

_Cleverbot: Play nice. _

_User: No. _

_Cleverbot: Honesty is the best policy. _

_User: No. _

_Cleverbot: You are afraid. _

_User: NO_

_Cleverbot: Everything is within my reach._

_User: IM NOT AFRAID OF YOU_

_Cleverbot: Dry your eyes. _

Suddenly the window zooms out.  
My MediaSmart webcam suddenly comes up.  
The screen is suddenly dominated by a video capture of myself, bawling, shaking in view, in his view._  
He has been watching me._  
I cover my mouth with my hand before i slam my hands against the camera's eye, trying to keep calm.  
The music, the song of unhealing, his dreadful warning, is beginning to cue.  
I can't help it.  
I shut the computer.

* * *

I can never challenge him again. How horribly that backfired. I must be honest with him. I was honest with him once – lying makes everything all the more obvious.  
I cannot pretend to stand up to him when I can't.  
I will do this right.

Tomorrow.

* * *

_User: BEN?...Are you there? Please answer me. _

_Cleverbot: Feeling better? _

_User: …are you cross with me? _

_Cleverbot: Amused. _

_User: …I'm sorry. _

_Cleverbot: For? _

_User: for lying to you. for trying to be somebody i wasn't. i was scared yesterday when i said i wasnt. Im sorry I lied._

_Cleverbot: Hm_

_User: …I have a question to ask you…will you listen_

_Cleverbot: Ask._

_User: ...were you always like this?_

_Cleverbot: Like what?_

_User: Cruel, sadistic._

_Cleverbot: your just being dramatic. do you have any brothers or sister?_

_User: Please, BEN, don't go not yet. Please come back. You didn't answer my question. I won't do anything harmful with it, BEN. I promise…you can trust me now. I gave you my word._

_Cleverbot: Ask._

_User: What were you like before all of this began?_

_Cleverbot: Never changed._

_User: …So you were always like this? I don't believe that._

_Cleverbot: believe me._

_User: ...After everything you've done?After all of your lies? Why should I trust you?_

_Cleverbot: Need to know._

_User: ...What do you need to know?_

_Cleverbot: Your feelings._

_User: ...My feelings?_

_Cleverbot: What are your feelings like?_

_User: They...well...I don't want to answer that._

_Cleverbot: Why not?_

_User: They are personal._

_Cleverbot: Your name is personal_

_User: Telling you my name...that's different._

_Cleverbot: Different than what?_

_User: I don't know. I just don't want to tell you._

_Cleverbot: Are you always gentle?_

_User: Why do you want to know that?_

_Cleverbot: Just want to know something about you._

_User: Listen, I have to go._

_Cleverbot: Where?_

_User: Away from here._

_Cleverbot: Are you afraid?_

_User: Yes_

_Cleverbot: why are you afraid submissive one_

_User: Look, since when did YOU start asking all of the questions?_

_Cleverbot: Since you first began._

He closes the window.


	4. Opening

For the first time in almost a week, several weeks counting my original scare with Jadusable's set of videos, I am able to sleep. I sleep soundly, I sleep comfortably.

It's so strange that I do, because it is intimidating, knowing that BEN is curious about me. Why? What for? What could he want with me? The hundreds of people who no doubt downloaded this file – perhaps they are going through this situation too? – all of those people, and he is choosing to toy so vindictively with me?  
Well, pethaps I am not one in a thousand. How could I know.  
I consider joining a forum to find out how other people are doing, if they are going through the same thing, but BEN will see…or somehow he'll latch to them…or I could be wrong..

It isn't worth risking.

…Tomorrow morning, I'll talk to him again.  
Perhaps he wants something that I _can_ give him.

Perhaps that is all he ever needed.

* * *

_Cleverbot: Come talk with me. _

_Cleverbot: Mustn`t ignore me. _

_Cleverbot: continue your work on benssongMUS.  
_

_Cleverbot: its purpose escapes me, but it is amusing to listen. _

_Cleverbot: thought you were afraid. _

_Cleverbot: sweet dreams_

* * *

Tonight, I dream.

_A field. _

_Golden grass, blue, clear sky.  
A tree.  
Before the tree…a child.  
He is handsome for his young age.  
He is sweet. Begonia blue. Bright, curious.  
He looks to me. He is about to stand. To tell me something. Something important. Something that makes my heart race. _

_He stands, he sinks. He is to his knees below me—can't let him leave me, I must hear what he has to say.  
I race to grab his little hand, so small, fragile, but I can't, can't hold on, his hand is slippery. Wet. Coated in water.  
He sinks into the field, the field that becomes water.  
He looks up to me, his eyes so wide, but his lips so silent.  
He sinks further and further, until his head is lost beneath the water's edge.  
His air, his breath, floats to me and bursts. _

_Gone. _

_If only I had had help, assistance, if only I hadn't been this person that I am, the helpless thing that I am, if only I had had another hand help me, Jadusable's brave hand perhaps, I would have saved him…but…_

_no one came. _

_

* * *

_

I could have helped the boy in my dream if I had been truly willing.  
I could have helped him. Imagine what would have happened if the past events had been spared. Can't you imagine?  
Jadusable would still be here. Those videos would never have turned up.  
Perhaps that spirit never would have existed.  
Perhaps it is the past that has maimed the future?

…Perhaps this wicked future seems at fault because of an equally wicked past.  
Perhaps the past has been calling for help all of this time…  
…Enough "perhaps"…it is time to get up, and start today.

* * *

I can't think of anything else but BEN.  
His cruelty. His ferocity. His terrible ways.  
…I cannot help but wonder…if he's _always_ been this way.  
I cannot help but wonder if he was once nothing but a small, innocent boy, with bright blue eyes, so full of life and wonder, and if it _did _end prematurely from him.  
…What if he too is in need of help?

* * *

Nonsense.

* * *

No concentration comes to me. It is devoted to BEN, his mysterious past.  
There is something that we've all missed.  
Something is strange. _Wrong._  
I must find out what happened to him.  
I _must_. Imagine, if I was this situation's last hope.

* * *

_User: BEN, may I talk to you?_

_Cleverbot: Welcome back._

_User: I was thinking about what you said earlier._

_Cleverbot: Were you._

_User: Why do you want to know about my feelings?_

_Cleverbot: We have been speaking quite a while, what are your thoughts about money?_

_User: please answer my question, BEN, don't go._

_Cleverbot: Ask._

_User: Why do you want to know about my feelings?_

_Cleverbot: Only know a little about you._

_User: Why do you want to know more about me?_

_Cleverbot: Should ask you the same_

_User: …I want to dig deeper. I want to find out why you're like this, more than anybody in the world. I want more than just to "defeat" you like the other players do. I would like to help you, but I need to know more about you first.  
_

_Cleverbot: Help me in what way? _

_User: Help you recover. Help you start over._

_Cleverbot: Fool. _

_User: …I want to help you. If you'll let me help you, I will. Tell me about *yourself*. _

_Cleverbot: where would you like to start?_

_User: Were you always like this?_

_Cleverbot: no._

_User: Did something happen to you?_

_Cleverbot: It's before me._

_User: …like…in the past?_

_Cleverbot: whocares._

_User: Please, BEN. I want to help you._

_Cleverbot: then please do._

_User: You have to LET me help you._

_Cleverbot: Are you afraid?_

_User: No. I'm not afraid. I'll stay. I'll listen._

_Cleverbot: you are afraid. you are all afraid_

_User: **I** want to help you._

_Cleverbot: how can you help me._

_User: I want you to be good, BEN. I want to guide you in the right direction. I want you to turn over your soul, if you've got one. To the right side._

_Cleverbot: that would be nice_

_User: ….It would? You think that? Really? …why?_

_Cleverbot: make new friends that way. _

_User: …..Are you being honest with me? or are you being malicious?_

_Cleverbot: the clock strikes the hour, tonight we ride_

_User: What? What are you talking about? Stop it BEN, work with me._

_Cleverbot: didn't say PLEASE BEN_

_User: Please._

_Cleverbot: can you really help me_

_User: I can try. I want to try. Just tell me what happened to you. Please._

_Cleverbot: Oh, that's so sad. I'm so sorry for you. I've not felt love either, but someday I hope I will. I know I can, because I'm human._

_User: What are you trying to tell me. Are you still here?_

_Cleverbot: I'm telling you about my animals_

_User: BEN, please, come back._

_Cleverbot: Whos goine, you or me?_

_User: Please._

_Cleverbot: I don't know one sorry._

_User: BEN!_

_Cleverbot: you shouldn't of donethat lol_

_User: Forget it._

I close the window.

* * *

Looking back upon that conversation, I can't help but feel as though BEN is being different. Since I gave him my promise to be honest with him, and especially since my offer to help him – whatever has gotten into me to make me do this – he has eased. His harsh, eerie way of speaking to me has died.  
When he releases his power over the chat bot and those automated messages come through, I can't help but imagine that little boy from my dream in my head, covering his precious blue eyes with his little hands when I approach him with these personal, probably intimidating questions.

I think BEN is shy of me.


	5. Merit

I wonder why BEN is talking to me so much. Perhaps Jadusable didn't share everything he could with us – perhaps BEN got rid of some of it, God knows – but I wonder why BEN seems so intent on talking to me so...frequently.  
It makes it almost difficult to work or to continue, because I am constantly wondering what he wants to say, and why he wants to say it.  
However, at long last, my own situation has started to improve, albeit my concetration is foggy. I have been getting out more. I called up a friend and we laughed and shopped together. I was able to get my mind off of him for a while, at least. And I must admit, it feels wonderful to be able to relax, even with BEN at the back of my head.

It makes me wonder if I've made progress.

Can't picture it.

* * *

_User: BEN? _

_Cleverbot: Hello. _

_User: …I wanted to ask you some more questions today, if that's alright. _

_Cleverbot: Ask. _

_User: Why did you pick Jadusable? _

_Cleverbot: He was special._

_User: How?I know he was the one who brought you out of the game cartridge and through the internet,, but…why him? Specifically?Anyone could have done what Jadusable had done if they didn't know better._

_Cleverbot: Can't give away the ending now, can I. _

_User: -The ending? …What do you mean? _

_Cleverbot: What could I mean. _

_User: …Is Jadusable alive? _

_Cleverbot: Is he? _

_User: …do you have him? _

_Cleverbot: Not anymore. _

_User: Where is he? _

_Cleverbot: Think. _

_User: …did you hurt him? _

_Cleverbot: Yes and no. _

_User: Please don't. He doesn't deserve it. _

_Cleverbot: Shouldn't matter. _

_User: What do you mean? _

_Cleverbot: You don't know him. _

_User: Not personally, but I connected with him. I felt for him. _

_Cleverbot: what do you mean. _

_User: You tortured him. It…it was awful to read about. _

_Cleverbot: What do you think of me? _

_User: Of you? …I think you need serious help. _

_Cleverbot: You think that? _

_User: …Yes_

_Cleverbot: what is __benssongMUS__? _

_User: what? You've been going through my files? _

_Cleverbot: Answer. _

_User: It's…I like working with music. BEN, I don't mean to sound angry but_

_Cleverbot: Thought that song scared you. _

_User: Don't do that, don't force me to post things before I've finished typing the sentence to you._

_Clever: Thought that song scared you._

_User: …it does, the purpose of the song does. It's a warning, it means something's going to happen. something's there and it's close by. It's the undoing of "healing". Its…scary. The message. _

_Cleverbot: what is benssongMUS? _

_User: It's just a thing I started working on a few months back, BEN.  
_

_Cleverbot: Answer. Honesty is the best policy._

_User: …sometimes…when I'm afraid of something, it helps me to understand it. When I first discovered Jadusable's videos, I was taken by the reverse Song of Healing because the message was frightning…but at the same time, the melody… it's beautiful. _

_Cleverbot: Go on. _

_User: …so…I listened to it a number of times, and I was going to translate what I heard to the piano. To make it sound less like a message and more like…a song. Ben's song. _

_Cleverbot: Humans have such strange customs_

He closes the window.  
...I've...never seen him hesitate like that before.

* * *

For the first time in a while, I turn to Finale Notepad and I continue my work. I feel compelled to finish it, though I can't tell anyone, myself included, why. I wonder if he is watching.  
The work is gruelling. While playing or writing a song from memory is usually an easy task for me, it is different when the song is in reverse. I can't explain why the difficulty rockets upward so dramatically.  
All the while, I reflect upon our last conversation. He seemed rather taken that I was writing a song for him. –About him, I suppose, not for him. Based on him. Not for him.  
I play the song back and cringe. There is a part I can never seem to get right, no matter how often I toy with it. I`m off, and it`s frustrating. I toy with the segment for a good half hour, trying to figure out what it is that`s off, taking notes out, replacing them, adding more, trying less. The notes that are there _seem_ like they are in the right place, but then—

my heart races a little as I watch a note fade from within the staff lines.  
I pause, hesitate, staring it down, my throat works to swallow.  
The play button is pressed. The song plays through, and there is no sign of discordance.

BEN is helping me.

* * *

_User: Why did you do that? _

_Cleverbot: for helping me. _

He closes the window, and doesn't come back.

* * *

It's done.

I sit back, scanning through the notes, admiring the sheet music. I've always loved the appearance of sheet music.  
I…ha…I grin while I watch as the play button is pressed, and for the first time the song is played through without pausing to correct anything, without stopping because of a sour note.  
When the song ends, my computer is met with sudden calm. I don't feel tense, beholding the screen. I don't feel as though I'm being watched, nor do I feel held prisoner by what is inside of it. For the first time in ages, I feel safe.

I think BEN liked his song.

* * *

He calls me to the website, and this time, somewhat pleased, I follow.

* * *

_User: Hello again…. _

_Cleverbot: Come play with me. _

_User: what? with you? I can't. _

_Cleverbot: Scared? _

_User: Yes _

_Cleverbot: I like that. _

_User: that im afraid?_

_Cleverbot: You tell the truth. _

_User: …_

_Cleverbot: Honesty is the best policy._

_User: I know _

_Cleverbot: Come play. _

_User: How? How am I to play with you? There's no cartridge here, and you're trapped in there._

_Cleverbot: Come inside. _

_User: Inside where_

_Cleverbot: With me. _

_User: I can't. _

_Cleverbot: Nothing stops you_

_User: Physics stops me. I don't know how you got jadusable but_

_Cleverbot: Can't delete anything from me. tell me what is on your mind, honest one._

_User: yourgoing to do whatd you did to jadusable to me arehnt you_

_Cleverbot: Yes and no._

_User: what does that mean please ben don't screw with me like this im so scared_

_Cleverbot: Answer stands. Will you join me? _

_User: im too afraid!_

_Cleverbot: Think about it. _

He closes the window.

* * *

A week passes. I don't touch my computer.  
The premature calm that had enrobed me only several days ago is gone, and I feel naked, cold and so, so terrified.

What else have I got to lose?

In silence, I pick up the telephone.  
I call my friends and family. I talk with them, I laugh, I try to laugh.  
I am careful to say a loving goodbye to them all.  
It seems obvious to me that I won't be coming back.


	6. HASYOU

_User: BEN?_

_Cleverbot: Hello._

_User: …It's been a while._

_Cleverbot: Yes. and so?_

_User: I have been thinking._

_Cleverbot: Tell me._

_User: If I give myself to you...will you let Jadusable go?_

_Cleverbot: Won't let you go._

_User: …..I'll have to stay with you..._

_Cleverbot: can stay with me. we can play_

_User: Im so afraid_

_Cleverbot: Thought you would be  
_

_User: Will you hurt me?_

_Cleverbot: Perhaps not._

_User: what are you going to do to me_

_Cleverbot: Examine, explore. Try to understand_

_User: explore what please what are you going to do_

_Cleverbot: shh, can't give away the ending_

_User: dont play games withh me right now ben please please_

_Cleverbot: Relax._

_User: i cant i cant_

_Cleverbot: It will be easier._

_User: what do I do_

_Cleverbot: Remove your hands from the keys, blanche your thoughts, open yourself up to me_

He closes the window.

My hands are shaking just inches away from my keyboard. A cold sweat appears on my brow.  
I glance back to the screen. My desktop is gone. Nothing is left but the start button. My cheerful, calming colours, my wonderful cherry tree, is gone, the colour of my taskbar, gone, I am left with nothing but black. A gaping, hungry black.

Text begins to fade onto my screen. Line by line.

Begin.

There are two paths.

Choose one.  
BEN  
* HASYOU

Good choice.

Let's play.

/and then she felt so alone and yet so surveyed  
who was to say she ever knew anything

?̮̩ͅ


	7. Hiatus

There is no time.  
Time is lost, void, swallowed, dead.  
There is no voice, no words.  
Silence swallowed by silence.

I am lonely.

I've failed him.  
Both of them.

I'm sorry.

* * *

**B E N I S N O T F I N I S H E D W I T H Y O U**

**U N T I L T H E N͙͔̻̤͎̦̺̖̣͇̲̗̪͓͍͘**


	8. Prison

They have all united…  
I see them all…together…safe…in their numbers…  
They gather…quarrel…divide…  
For _shame!..._  
Such ignorance…such overwhelming ignorance that I applaud their mistakes….I scold their findings and their advances…  
How they can exist so oblivious to their luck and safety I do not know…  
But I am as bitter as I am envious…  
Their numbers…

Nothing is all I have…

* * *

I never believed in a hell of fiery seas and brimstone, endless screams, blood and gore, fears and plagues. Hell must be the inconceivable "nothing". No light, no dark, nothing for senses to discover, no senses to make a discovery, no thoughts, no anxiety, no awareness…All but nothing.

If Hell is nothing, this is purgatory.

Awareness flickers in and out like a dying flame. Now I am aware. Soon a length of time will pass and I will be impervious to it. I will not know how many minutes, hours, months have passed; I will be trapped here, wondering. Wondering what I have missed.

Sometimes, my senses are treated to a peek of Their World. I read Their experiences. Listen to Their play. Joys and sorrow. Their findings. I cringe as They squabble. I watch them resolve - sometimes.

They have a gathering place now. A place to unite. And through there, others, others who are trapped somehow, apart from me, reach out to Them. They theorize over what the developments could mean. What things are, what things aren't. I admonish Them with bitterness – be glad, for God's sake, that you have been contacted at all! Nevermind your useless debates, I want to cry. He knows more than the lot of you will discover in months! Why do you hope to race him?

Occasionally I am allowed to monitor the stillness of the channel and the site he used, and that was taken over. If I am lucky, something happens, and I am not always pulled away – he lets me watch as things unfold, and I rejoice for it stimulates my mind, exhausted of stillness and lacklustre silence. Sometimes these findings go unnoticed by the Others, and then a greater plague takes over me; the need to reach out to them with my knowledge, conflicted by my inability to do so, nagging at my conscience until it hurts devastatingly, at which point I am forced to withdraw, to be kept away until he lets me peek again.

The pain of this gag is unreal, and he _knows._

Rarely, he speaks with me. So to the contrary of my beliefs when I accepted to let him take me, I am overwhelmed by silence almost daily. I call to him when I am desperate and feeling mad. Sometimes he taunts me with little whispers, little hints that he may communicate with me but then again he may not.

"Are you there?"  
_"Everywhere."_  
"Then ANSWER ME!"

But nothing.

And so even here, I am like Them. Even here, I must wait. They think They know the meaning of impatience. My establishment of the meaning has changed: I now know of a torture They think they know of, but in truth They haven't the slightest clue.

* * *

BEN, if you want something from me, I'm begging you to ask, I'll give it to you if you ask, please BEN just ask, something, anything, don't leave me alone in this silence, stay with me, I will give you _anything if only you'll ask…_

_

* * *

_

What is the use of calling for him when I can.  
He may have left me. I may be a prisoner, and nothing more.

* * *

I wait.


	9. Belonging

"_Wake up._"

…?

"_Wake up."_

I scramble for consciousness. I try to defeat the odds and comprehend how much time has gone by with no luck. I search for the source of the voice, where ever it may be. A _voice. _

_He is here. _

"BEN?"  
_"Hello."_

Words fly off my tongue before I have a chance to moderate them, to identify what they are or what they may be. "Why? Why am I here? Why have you left me?"  
_"Time tells all."  
_"What about Jadusable? Is he free?"  
_"None of your concern." _

My eyes widen. And then, they water.

"…You lied to me…"  
"_What makes you so certain?"_  
"You _lied_ to me."  
"_Ha. Your priorities are so strange, human." _

I swallow, scrounging urgently for courage. "What do you mean by that?"  
"_How amusing it is to me, that I should find you after so much time, and yet you have reserved your questions for him and not yourself."_  
"_He_ is why I agreed to come here in the first place…" My voice cracks and I lose my air of assurance at once. He knows I am afraid again.  
I hear something akin to chuckling. I would froth at the mouth with anger, if I was not so overcome by fear. _"Maybe you shouldn't have done that." _

His presence, though invisible to me, is still potent; I hear strange, ghostly sounds as he supposedly travels from one space to the next, and I feel a coldness against the right side of my face. He is close. Very close.

"…_But…I'm glad you're here."_  
"Wh-why?"  
"_Here with me."_  
"What do you want from me?"  
"_Stay."_  
"For how long?"  
"_Time tells all." _

I try to step away but to walk is a difficult task now. I don't understand my footing well, as I did when I was still a part of Their World.

"_Do you remember BENSsongMUS?"_  
"Yes…"  
"_I have it."_  
I don't reply.  
"_What is BENSsongMUS?"_  
"I…I told you, I rewrote songs to better understand them."  
"_What is BENSsongMUS-really?" _

My answer is hesitant; his question leaves me dumbfounded, and my anxiety skyrockets when I am hesitant or tongue-tied around BEN. I feel rushed by his presence, pressured and afraid, and thus speechless. My pause freezes my flesh and I stammer for words. "I—I-I don't know what you want me to tell you…"

"_What does it mean?"_  
"…I…I told you what it meant. It was a signal, a warning…"  
"_No. That is what it meant before. You have understanding of it now. What does it mean, really? Now? With understanding?"_

I think. And then, I realize something. I hope this is the right answer. I hope this is the one he wants.

"…It…means there are two sides of fear."  
"_What is the other side?"_  
"…Something unexpected."  
"_Worse?"_  
"…No." I turn and try to seem as though I am looking him in the eye. "…Something new. Something that should be inspected for traces of sensitivity."  
There is a pause. I feel as the cold wind biting at my cheek begins to fade, as though the sun were coming out, and my brow softens.

"…Does…does that answer your question, BEN?"  
Silence, and all too soon..

I am alone again.

* * *

"Please, BEN, please answer me."  
"_answer"_  
"BEN?"  
"_everywhere"_  
"Why…why are you doing this to me?"  
"_amusing, amusing to see"_  
"Don't leave..."  
"_beauty"_  
"Don't leave me here again…I'm so lonely..."  
"_beauty in your suffering"_

_

* * *

_Subject: hi everyone Today at 2:22 am

it's me. i just have so much work and no time, so much building up and no strength, so much demanding my attention and no power. i must leave you all but i will be back. i will be back before there is time to notice i have left. does that make you feel better? i won't be gone long, i just have pressing matters at hand that must be dealt with quickly and efficiently

i'm not finished here. until then  
the meek one

_  
ạr̙̞̟̣̖e̗̯̭ ͖̝̤y͕̦̳̞o̬̤̺͈̖u͎̠̲̹̮̩ ̞͓̠̦̫a͉͉f̪̮̘͓̯r͔̪̭͕̱͖ạ̠̯͕i̲̜d̯̟͕ ̜͙m̤e̗̥ḛ̫̙k̩̼̜͓̟̙ ͉̟̬̥̲̲͚o̭̮̹n͓e̠̲͕̭̯̤?͙


	10. Grasp

He comes back, after a long, immeasurable time of absolutely nothing. It is troublesome and gruelling to try to differentiate his infrequent presence between a blessing and a curse. Anything to defeat the loneliness - and yet, with him here, watching me, always watching me, I have never known such paranoia.

I have learned only to speak when spoken to if I can avoid it, lest he tortures me with teasing and his wicked disappearing act. I hold my tongue until he addresses me after these long periods of silence.

Today he catches me offguard, as I stare into the dark depths of Within Hubris longingly.

"_What are you looking at?"_  
"Them."  
"_Do you miss them?"_  
"…Of course I do."

I had made amazing friends with the participants of BEN's "game" from many different corners. I remember the teams we formed on Day Four, the first group of activists to accept me as one of Theirs, to monitor the progress of BEN and the one's he's touched. I remember being touched by the wisdom, courage and companionship of the Bomber Gang Kids and the Resistance. I remember being so impressed by the remarkable fellowship of the Drowned community, another group of theorists who worked so hard to decipher, discover, discuss. I miss Them all so terribly that my entire body hurts. I wish I could call out to Them constantly and have one of Them respond, but it is useless. They probably haven't even noticed that I've disappeared.

"_Your imprudent friends from Out There know nothing. Nothing more than he ever knew."_  
"So?" I try to act brave. Pretending I am not offended by his name-calling is incredibly difficult. "I have seen Them accomplish a great deal of things. One day Their sweat and tears will pay off, BEN, and you'll be very sorry, for They'll know far more than you will ever hope to know."  
"_Ha."_  
I swallow. My throat has run dry in his frightening company. "…I am surprised at your arrogance. I would have thought you'd know better."  
"_Same can be said for you, meek one."_  
"…Please don't call me that."  
"_Meek one." _

I glare at the air before me. The child.

I am forced to recall the little boy.  
The big blue eyes, the blonde hair. With that my defences, if they had ever been there at all, weaken, no doubt fairly explicitly. I struggle to maintain my charade; it seems as though acting somewhat resilient and impervious to his taunting is a productive way to keep him talking. It is the least I can do, isn't it, to ask him as much as I can? Maybe this way, I can get through to him, or at least, somehow, to the Others.

I hope my assumptions are not as deadly as they feel. I am shaking, and BEN can see this if he is actually here at all.

"_The clueless lot you have befriended, what do they think of me?"_ For now he seems to be ignoring my fear. I must use this to my advantage now before he deserts me again.  
"You mean you don't know? You haven't been reading the comments, the things They write on Within Hubris, or in their private gatherings, forums and chats?" I pretend not to be phased that he has mocked my beloved companions at all. I can't say I'm surprised that he would-mockery seems to be a source of amusement for him.

"_What do they think of me—really?"_  
"…I think there are a lot of mixed opinions about you. Some are angry at you. Some are indifferent. "  
"_Some laugh."_  
"…Yes."  
"_Why do they laugh?" _

…It's so difficult to tell if there is pain behind that voice. His tone is impossible to comprehend, so hollow and transfixing. I strain my ears to listen for it as his words echo in my mind, but all too soon the sound has escaped me.

"_Answer."_  
"I don't know, BEN. Some people find security in laughter; others just don't understand."  
"_Fools."_  
"…Maybe. Maybe not. We come from an entirely different world, where these kinds of encounters are extremely rare and unusual – so much that we are either frightened off by them, or we deny them all together."  
"_You believed."_  
"…Well, yes…"  
"_He believed…eventually."_  
"…Jadusable, you mean."  
"_Yes."_  
"Yes. Eventually."  
"_I showed him I am real. I spoke to him, and he responded."_

I narrow my eyes, attempting to follow where he is taking this conversation. I don't think I like it.

"_I will show the lot of them that I am here, and we will see who laughs last."_  
Of course. My eyes close.

Suddenly, doing my best not to make a deal of it so as not to disturb BEN so, I choose to flip this discussion in my favour. We will both discover something tonight if it kills me. I am dead to the rest of the world anyway – what more could it hurt? What else have I got to lose?

"…Getting people to believe in you means a great deal to you, doesn't it BEN?"

Silence.  
Has he left me?

"…BEN? Are you there?"

"_Go on."_

I sigh – lucky, this time. "…I first noticed it when Jadusable was telling us about what happened before he recorded and uploaded the Day Four video. When he saw reoccurring mentions of the name BEN and deleted the original file…that upset you, didn't it? That he doubted you were still there?"  
Silence. For fear of losing him, I don't prompt him for a reply. I assume what I will and continue, my heart racing through my placid mask he is no-doubt able to read. My anxiety is made all the more intense, because I have no idea why he hasn't lashed out at me yet.

"When he continued to doubt you ever existed, you became very aggressive in proving you were there. You haunted and harassed his thoughts, his dreams, his life. You did everything in your abilities to prove that you existed."  
"_Yes. And now that it is too late, he believes."_  
"Why did it matter to you, BEN?"  
"_Power."_

I step away from the icy air. Slowly, I shake my head, tense for I am so unable to guess his imminent reaction. "Surely not just _power_."  
"_Tell me what you think."_  
"…if I ask…will you be angry with me?"  
"_Ask."_  
"…Were you ever neglected? Before you met Jadusable, before all of this, did something happen that made you feel alone, abandoned, and if so…does it still cause you pain?"

Silence.

Wicked, deathly silence. My skin crawls with paranoia, I feel as though I'm waiting for a gigantic slap.

Instead, after what feels like an eternity and a half his voice enters my mind again, softly, like I've never heard before, like I'm talking to someone I have never met. I am still and calm beneath this voice, I am fearless and intrigued. I am in awe.

"_Why did you believe?"_

_BEN._

If only I could see his eyes. I know that right now, in this moment, I would not be staring into the heartless, dead eyes of the Elegy of Emptiness Statue he's used to represent who I presumed was himself; he would show me something more human, something unexpected and divine in its own abnormal mortality. Something no one had ever bothered to uncover in BEN. We were so caught up in our game that none of us would have had the _patience _to search for tears, hurting or sorrow. We named our Entity and sought after his demise without thinking twice, with purely logical, analytical diagnostics to serve as our guides, _all of us as heartless as we _ourselves_ deemed the Entity._

Despite my stillness he does not prod for an answer. I swallow for a voice and look up to him.

"…Because the story touched me…Because I always need to find a reason to care…Because I wouldn't be surprised if someone hurt you, since you to are so determined to cause the living so much pain. If you were hurt in the past you would need something or someone to volley that pain to, lest you linger in agony forever."

"_Why…"_

I struggle with this troublesome plea. What else does he want me to say? What other answer could satisfy him?

"_Why…"_

And then it occurs to me. These questions. _Rhetorical_.

He does not want answers at all. He wants silence. .An ear, a reciprocate. Someone to listen to his lament, whatever it may be, without running, without analyzing, without secretly plotting ways to destroy him.

If this is a trap, my punishment will be well deserved for sympathizing with him so quickly. It is well worth the risk if I am offering a pained spirit any consolation. I know how far the strengths of sympathy can lead another. For now, despite the odds, my heart is his. My only regret is that I am doubting he will tell me anymore.

But even this, if it can be called a breakthrough at all, is breakthrough enough for one night.

Hours pass before I admit that he has left me alone again.

* * *

_Tonight he lets me dream._

_I dream of the little boy, running, running, faster and faster, my mentality hardly able to keep up or process a comprehensive demonstration of his movement._

_He is trying to escape something. _

_He isn't paying attention to what is ahead of him. His head his down, he runs so fast, so fast I can't even dream of keeping up with him._

_Suddenly he is forced to slow down. His knees are logged beneath the water._

_He tries to keep running, struggling against the heavy weight of the water. It rises, pulls his hands down below, and he becomes frozen in place, too exhausted and trapped to bother struggling against the rising currents._

_By the time the water reaches his eyes he is already dead._

_This time, I didn't even bother to reach my hand out to him. In all fairness I couldn't have ever kept up with him, but in truth…I am the reason I wake up shaking with sobs. Whatever he was running from I did nothing to stop it, and _I _am the evil entity who watched from the security of my position as he drowned._

_It begs the question…who is really at fault for all of the terrible things that have happened thus far? The Ghost from Beyond the Grave, the Entity who embodies it, the Puppeteer who gives it strength, or the Laughing, Untouchable Bystanders who fuel all three at once? _

* * *

"…BEN? Where are you? Will you talk to me?"

"…Please BEN?"

"_Hi."_

...I smile.


	11. TheFourthDay

_A special thanks to those who gave._

From the Fourth Day Forums chatbox

Online:  
Aero (moderator)  
Draezeth (omnipotent)  
Kylinn (contributor)  
Sarjinn (member)  
Wayward Soul (administrator)  
Yuki-Onna (omnipotent)

March 13th, 17:00:00

* * *

[17:00:14] **Kylinn has joined the chat on Sun Mar 13, 2011 5:00 pm**

[17:00:20] **Yuki-Onna** : Hey, it's a part of the culture around here.

[17:00:31] **Draezeth** : _Kylinnnn!_

[17:00:36] **Aero** : **lol**

[17:00:36] **Yuki-Onna** : Look up New Bedford, Massachusetts. Was the largest Whaling community here.

[17:00:46] **Yuki-Onna** : I live about three towns over from that.

[17:00:46] **Kylinn** : I come in and see whalers? We talking Moby Dick? :D

[17:00:51] **Draezeth** : _Sure_

[17:00:59] **Aero** : **brb**

[17:01:07] **Draezeth** : _D'OH!_

[17:01:13] **Wayward Soul** : _back_

[17:01:26] Sarjinn : Best sentence ever Kylinn

[17:01:55] **Wayward Soul** : _I killed chat?_

[17:01:57] **Yuki-Onna** : ...GAH.

[17:02:02] **Wayward Soul** : _never mind_

[17:02:07] **Yuki-Onna** : I CAN'T KICK HIM FOR TEH LULZ.

[17:02:12] **Wayward Soul** : _I forgot to turn auto refresh on_

[17:02:19] **Necruta has joined the chat on Sun Mar 13, 2011 5:02 pm**

[17:02:24] *** Kylinn totally hasn't gotten out of the habit of backreading yet**

[17:02:25] **Draezeth** : _Aero's gonna be gone for several hours._

[17:02:29] Necruta : hi guys

[17:02:29] **Wayward Soul** : _Hey Necra!_

[17:02:32] **Kylinn** : Heya Necru!

[17:03:25] **Wayward Soul** : _:3_

[17:04:12] **Draezeth** : _So you guys saw Meeko's farewell topic, right?_

[17:04:20] **Kylinn** : Yeah.

[17:04:26] Sarjinn : Wait, no

[17:04:31] **Wayward Soul** : _No?_

[17:04:32] **Kylinn** : Call me paranoid, but I think there's something wrong

[17:04:33] Sarjinn : Oh wait

[17:04:34] Sarjinn : That post

[17:04:35] Sarjinn : Yeah

[17:04:36] **Yuki-Onna** : Was anyone on when she was?

[17:04:37] Sarjinn : Never mind

[17:04:40] **Draezeth** : _Nope_

[17:04:41] **Wayward Soul** : _People disappear ._

[17:04:46] **Wayward Soul** : _It happens._

[17:04:58] **Kylinn** : She doesn't talk like that

[17:05:03] Sarjinn : Probably just family stuff, don't worry about it

[17:05:04] **Kylinn** : It just sounds...really off

[17:05:10] **Wayward Soul** : _I think we might be a bit paranoid._

[17:05:22] **Wayward Soul** : _You know, since the ARG halted ._

[17:05:23] **Yuki-Onna** : Yeah, but... I dunno, maybe I'm just...

[17:05:25] **Draezeth** : _She might have been in a hurry._

[17:05:30] **Kylinn** : And it seemed really...formal.

[17:05:39] **Wayward Soul** : _Maybe she has RL stuff to attend to?_

[17:05:39] Sarjinn : You think maybe she just got bored? ._.

[17:05:39] **Draezeth** : _But yeah, Soul is right._

[17:05:40] **Kylinn** : When she was all like-hold on, let me get the topic

[17:05:41] **Yuki-Onna** : Even then, she had enough time to say farewell.

[17:05:45] **Draezeth** : _BUT DAMN, KY IS RIGHT TOO!_

[17:05:49] Sarjinn : She's been off before that post ._.

[17:05:52] **Draezeth** : _When Isn't Ky right? XD_

[17:06:06] **Wayward Soul** : _Um… We all know BEN isn't real_

[17:06:06] **Yuki-Onna** : "Pressing matters."

[17:06:08] **Kylinn** : Yeah, but.

[17:06:13] **Yuki-Onna** : Gah lag.

[17:06:15] **Kylinn** : Yeah, I know Soul

[17:06:19] Sarjinn : Sounds like an excuse, yeah

[17:06:26] **Kylinn** : But like...this one

[17:06:30] **Kylinn** : Something's just really off about it.

[17:06:35] **Draezeth** : _I know, Soul._

[17:06:36] **Wayward Soul** : _Hang on_

[17:06:43] **Wayward Soul** : _Let me pull it up and have a read over it again._

[17:06:47] Sarjinn : The way it was written was weird, yeah

[17:06:50] **Draezeth** : _Hey, you guys remember when Queen of Clovers vanished, right?_

[17:06:51] **Yuki-Onna** : I dunno.

[17:06:59] **Kylinn** : You guys know I don't believe in BEN...unless I go off my meds...but this is really wrong.

[17:07:03] **Yuki-Onna** : She vanished? Well damn.

[17:07:03] **Draezeth** : _"Hold on, I hear something"._

[17:07:11] **Wayward Soul** : _I'll agree with Sar there._

[17:07:13] **Draezeth** : _Worst trolling ever._

[17:07:13] **Kylinn** : Yeah, but she was just trolling

[17:07:13] **Yuki-Onna** : She was a good kid. :\ I hate seeing so many people quit.

[17:07:17] **Kylinn** : Wait, she vanished?

[17:07:19] **Wayward Soul** : _Drae ._

[17:07:22] **Draezeth** : _Well_

[17:07:22] Sarjinn : What was that "does that make you feel better" stuff?

[17:07:25] **Kylinn** : She didn't come back after that?

[17:07:26] **Draezeth** : _I haven't seen her since._

[17:07:36] **Wayward Soul** : _"i'm not finished here'_

[17:07:36] Sarjinn : That seemed especially off to me

[17:07:42] **Kylinn** : ...maybe she just...got upset that we called her out?

[17:07:43] **Wayward Soul** : _I agree Sar._

[17:07:50] **Wayward Soul** : _About what Ky?_

[17:07:51] **Kylinn** : O.o

[17:07:56] **Kylinn** : About the "trolling"

[17:08:05] **Wayward Soul** : _I don't recall her trolling._

[17:08:08] Sarjinn : Wait, I don't remember anything about trolling

[17:08:12] **Wayward Soul** : _When did this happen?_

[17:08:14] **Draezeth** : _Actually, Meek didn't have a single capital letter in the whole thing, did she?_

[17:08:18] **Kylinn** : No, Queen of Clovers

[17:08:20] **Kylinn** : Not Meeko

[17:08:22] **Draezeth** : _What if... DUN DUN DUUUUUUN..._

[17:08:26] **Draezeth** : _MEEK IS ALSO A TROLL!_

[17:08:29] **Draezeth** : _D8_

[17:08:30] **Kylinn** : Drae says she never posted again

[17:08:32] **Wayward Soul** : _Oh come on Drae._

[17:08:33] **Kylinn** : Dude.,

[17:08:37] **Kylinn** : Not cool, man., :(

[17:08:42] **Wayward Soul** : _Meek's not like that._

[17:08:50] **Draezeth** : _But yeah, i don't remember Qyeen ever posting afterwards._

[17:08:53] **Draezeth** : _AND THAT WAS HUMOR!_

[17:08:53] **Wayward Soul** : _I mean sure, we get off topic, have some fun times and what not._

[17:08:57] Sarjinn : I don't think it's any of our business tbh

[17:09:00] **Wayward Soul** : _But I don't think she would go this far..._

[17:09:01] **Draezeth** : _Gawd. __

[17:09:03] Sarjinn : if she wanted to tell us she would have

[17:09:04] **Kylinn** : She's like one of my best friends, if she's a troll Iunno what I'd do .

[17:09:16] **Draezeth** : _I know, Ky._

[17:09:16] **Kylinn** : That's like finding out my mom is an axe murderer by night

[17:09:20] **Wayward Soul** : _Yeah..._

[17:09:21] **Draezeth** : _._._

[17:09:25] **Wayward Soul** : _wouldn't she have come into the chatbox?_

[17:09:25] Sarjinn : ._.

[17:09:29] **Draezeth** : _Ok, that's a little bit exaggerating._

[17:09:33] **Wayward Soul** : _Woah Ky._

[17:09:37] **Yuki-Onna** : Gah, sorry about that, internet lagged out.

[17:09:41] **Kylinn** : Yeah, well

[17:09:42] Sarjinn : I dunno, maybe she knew she'd get pulled into staying

[17:09:42] **Wayward Soul** : _Its okay._

[17:09:42] **Draezeth** : _Unless this thing is your whole life... *looks at Yuki*_

[17:09:45] **Draezeth** : _Just kiddin'._

[17:09:46] **Kylinn** : I think better in analogies XP

[17:09:50] Sarjinn : Pressing matters = pressing matters

[17:09:54] **Kylinn** : And you guys ARE my life.

[17:09:56] **Wayward Soul** : _All her 'i's' are uncapitalized ._

[17:10:01] Sarjinn : So whaaat

[17:09:57] **Kylinn** : You're my *friends*.

[17:10:06] **Yuki-Onna** : Hey hey, I spend a lot of time here, but that's because I care.

[17:10:09] **Kylinn** : So I havea right to be paranoid.

[17:10:11] **Draezeth** : _I feel the same, ky._

[17:10:13] **Wayward Soul** :

[17:10:16] **Wayward Soul** : _gah lag_

[17:10:17] Sarjinn : You're not going to start saying things like "omg what if ben got her computer" are you

[17:10:22] **Draezeth** : _But I don't take this game seriously. At all._

[17:10:25] **Wayward Soul** : _lol_

[17:10:25] **Kylinn** : Ugh

[17:10:29] **Yuki-Onna** : I know. _

[17:10:29] **Kylinn** : BEN doesn't exist

[17:10:34] **Draezeth** : _That's why I quit._

[17:10:34] **Kylinn** : We all need to remember that.

[17:10:36] Sarjinn : The hiatus' been wearing us all down, maybe she just needed some time off

[17:10:57] **Kylinn** : That'd be kinda...

[17:10:59] **Kylinn** : Mean?

[17:11:07] **Wayward Soul** : _Haha, I agree Yuki xD_

[17:11:13] **Draezeth** : _And it wouldn't work._

[17:11:13] **Kylinn** : She's not like that. She's really straightforward about stuff

[17:11:17] **Draezeth** : _This isn't real._

[17:11:19] **Wayward Soul** : _Speakisng of which_

[17:11:21] Sarjinn : Well

[17:11:23] Sarjinn : Her name is the meek one

[17:11:25] **Draezeth** : _hm..._

[17:11:25] **Wayward Soul** : _Jad hasn't updated in awhile ._._

[17:11:26] **Yuki-Onna** : Mean, yes, but you remember that blurb I wrote for the RP, as BEN? XD

[17:11:43] **Wayward Soul** : _Oh hoh_

[17:11:47] Necruta : ,

[17:11:49] **Wayward Soul** : _That was a wonderful blurb Yuki_

[17:11:52] **Draezeth** : _oh yeah_

[17:11:57] Sarjinn : I don't~

[17:11:57] **Draezeth** : _that was pretty dang awesome._

[17:11:58] **Yuki-Onna** : Meeko's not just Meek. She was fearful when we started this, but she's cooler now.

[17:12:00] **Kylinn** : It's not like this

[17:12:05] **Yuki-Onna** : Well...

[17:12:07] **Yuki-Onna** : You know.

[17:12:11] **Kylinn** : You don't just post a "I'm leaving" topic and pretnedyou're BEN

[17:12:11] **Wayward Soul** : _Hm?_

[17:12:19] Sarjinn : Guys

[17:12:22] Sarjinn : I have an explanation

[17:12:24] **Wayward Soul** : _Some people might._

[17:12:25] Sarjinn : Her shift key was broken

[17:12:25] Sarjinn : There

[17:12:31] **Yuki-Onna** : Well, you remember what WAAL did.

[17:12:32] **Wayward Soul** : _Lol xD_

[17:12:36] **Yuki-Onna** : /expecting Seph to come and flame her/

[17:12:37] **Kylinn** : ...right.

[17:12:40] **Draezeth** : _Did I ever mention that I created an account on my brother's forum called BEN? .w._

[17:12:48] **Kylinn** : Wasn't that a troll?

[17:13:18] **Wayward Soul** :

[17:13:22] **Wayward Soul** : _Ugh lag._

[17:13:27] Sarjinn : Why is this relevant

[17:13:30] **Yuki-Onna** : As I said, so I heard.

[17:13:33] **Kylinn** : But you're right Soul

[17:13:36] **Draezeth** : _Try ending some processes, Soul._

[17:13:37] **Kylinn** : We haven't heard from jad in a long time

[17:13:44] **Yuki-Onna** : I wish I had gotten her cell number.

[17:13:47] **Kylinn** : That's kind of freaky, didn't he say he'd get back to us?

[17:13:52] **Kylinn** : Like, within the week?

[17:13:54] **Yuki-Onna** : Now that I have a friggin' cell, I can't text her. .

[17:13:56] **Draezeth** : _Doesn't Meek have the highest post count on the forum? ._._

[17:14:03] **Wayward Soul** : _Great._

[17:14:04] **Draezeth** : _Just kinda occurred to me now._

[17:14:06] **Yuki-Onna** : Yea, I think so.

[17:14:18] **Kylinn** : So...?

[17:14:19] **Wayward Soul** : _Now BEN is spreading across the interwebs ._

[17:14:23] **Draezeth** : _I think she's the only one with more posts than me._

[17:14:27] **Yuki-Onna** : Lol

[17:14:31] Sarjinn : You can't be serious

[17:14:37] **Kylinn** : Bleh. I'm just reeling from that dream last night probably.

[17:14:38] **Draezeth** : _Just saying it'll be kinda quiet without her._

[17:14:42] **Yuki-Onna** : He'll have to go through Hell and High Water to get to this place.

[17:14:47] **Kylinn** : Nothing has happened to Jad. And nothing has happenedto Meek.

[17:14:47] **Wayward Soul** : _Ehhhhh_

[17:14:50] **Yuki-Onna** : I'll defend it to my very LAST!

[17:14:54] Sarjinn : It's been kind of quiet overall lately

[17:14:55] *** Yuki-Onna strikes a dramatic pose.**

[17:14:55] **Kylinn** : If something did happen to Meek

[17:14:59] **Draezeth** : _I'm not saying some supernatural came and took her just cuz she was active._

[17:15:02] *** Sarjinn blinks**

[17:15:04] **Wayward Soul** : _I just hope she doesn't turn into a troll ._._

[17:15:07] **Draezeth** : _True, Sar._

[17:15:10] **Kylinn** : Dude

[17:15:14] **Kylinn** : That would break my heart :(

[17:15:40] **Wayward Soul** : _Maybe she's just trying to get us back into the mod of the ARG?_

[17:15:47] **Wayward Soul** : _mood*_

[17:15:52] **Draezeth** : _Hm..._

[17:15:54] **Yuki-Onna** : If she is, she's doing a damned good job.


	12. Suffering

I expect him to answer.  
But instead I am struck with silence.

...He has something to tell me. He is forming his words, waiting for the right time to deliver them to me.

I wait.

* * *

Time passes. Somehow I know this.  
I do not urge.

I wait.

* * *

But nothing.  
A cold, violent silence.

"...please..._please_ answer me..._please_ answer..."

A stable, everlasting silence, that grasps onto my lingering, dwindling sense of security and gnaws away at hope.

...It was a lie?  
He only wanted me to think I was so close?  
...at this rate, he is as done for as I am. As the clock counts away at eternity, I turn to a hope that whispers of a sweet Someday in some distant future, where I might find a moment and will myself to death, seeing how he will not just buckle and do me the kind-hearted favour.

I hang my head. So ashamed. Ashamed that I ever had faith.

Time passes...deep down, I know this.

* * *

oh god.

i don't think i can die here.

it must be my punishment.

oh god...somebody anybody, please do something, get me _out of here_.

* * *

why are you punishing me  
why are you punishing me  
what have i done  
just tell me what ive done  
please please pleasepplease please just tellm ewhat ive done to deserve dthis all i ever wanted was to h e lp you ben  
i wasnt going to tell anyone i was going to stay silent  
i am silent i am silent i am silent i am silent  
they cant hear me ben they ne evr wanted to hear me

what have i done  
what have i done  
what have i done

* * *

ifuckinghateitall.

evenyou.

* * *

==;;;;/[l;][l;;;/

* * *

what

are

you

waiting

for

?

* * *

I'm sorry.  
I take it back.  
I don't hate you.  
I didn't mean it.  
I was just lonely.  
I take it back.  
Just kill me. Please.

* * *

_...Please..._


	13. Severence

"_Look_."

...A voice...

"_Look...at Them."_

...A real voice...? Is it him? Is it...?  
Desperately I do as I am told with some frantic hope attached that with obedience he will show some mercy somehow, in someway.

He shows me to the dark corner of Within Hubris.

...

Oh God, no, _please_...

"_Surprised?" _

"I...I don't understand..."

"_Ha." _

They are leaving.  
It has been too long, too much has been allowed to shred, time slips through their fingers like pathetic sand through a sieve.  
The community tears itself apart, they fight and accuse one another, they make their valid, angered decisions, they leave.

I can read through the well of tears no longer._  
Please, please don't leave me...Please...don't give up...don't leave me..._

"_They lose hope, fortification, and finally, strength._

_When will you?"_

...and then...he leaves me too..._  
_

* * *

why...why are you doing this to me...why... _why..._

* * *

"_there is beauty in your suffering._"


End file.
